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I was only eight when I first questioned God’s love. I had pondered at a very young age how a loving God could allow the dignity of an innocent little boy to be stripped away forever by a heartless man. I learned at a very young age a harsh reality – that in real life something precious to us may be taken away from us in an instant, whether we like it or not. I still have the memory of me in the bathroom after that incident – there I was, trying to scrub the filth off my body, frightfully and hopelessly. I have always asked how a loving God could allow this to happen to me?
I have made two conclusions from that experience- two seemingly simplistic conclusions that, I would later learn, would have a catastrophic effect in my life. First was that there was no more point in trying to live a righteous life – I have been defiled and the scar is permanent. Second was the lesson that as long as nobody knows about this – as long as I don’t tell anyone about this – I will be okay. The by-product of that of course was that I began to think I can do ANYTHING, and as long as it is in secret, it will be okay.
Following the footsteps of my Dad, I went to med school. I excelled in both sports and my studies, finishing off as president of the interns in a prestigious hospital, all this while doing modeling work on the side. At this time I no longer recognized the need for God in my life. I was doing well on my own and I’ve got a promising future ahead of me.
Just a year after I started my practice as a doctor, show business opened its door for me and bid me enter with a promise of fast-track popularity and wealth. I entered this world and sure enough I got what I hoped for – fame, influence, wealth, and women. I should’ve recognized the warning signs at this point. I wasn’t ready for the problems of my so-called “success”. Pride crept in, and in no time I was into womanizing, drugs, and other shameful things only a man perverted in his thinking would do. I did these things in secret so I thought I was going to be okay. The truth is, in my quiet times alone, I felt an unfathomable emptiness inside me.
In December of 2008, my own best friends conspired to expose my double life to the public. They ransacked my place to get whatever evidence they can get – photos, journals, computers, and hard drives. I was horrified. The “ideal man” image I have carefully cultivated for years would be shattered. I was too terrified to witness what was going to happen so I decided it’d be better to “opt out” of life. I
swallowed 30 tablets of Valiums, sent my goodbye messages, and lied down until I lost consciousness.
I woke up from a coma after three days and found myself in a rehab with psychiatric patients. I was very upset that I did not die. After a few weeks I left the rehab to celebrate Christmas and the New Year at home.
Then in May of 2009, I received a call from a stranger asking me to pay P4M or else scandalous videos of me with other celebrities would be released. I did not give in to their demands so on my very birthday, May 20, 2009, the videos were released. The videos went viral and everyone feasted on it. It became the banner headline in TV news, radio, newspapers, blogs, and other social media networks. I was dragged to the senate hall for a humiliating public hearing, where a former police running for office poured water on my head before the hearing to express, according to him, his disgust. The Board of Medicine, finding me not morally fit to practice my vocation, revoked me of my license to practice medicine. In one survey I was voted the “most hated man” in the country – so hated that I was even declared “persona not grata” in some provinces. In one fell swoop, I was stripped of everything I have – the most painful of which was when almost all of my so-called “friends” turned their backs on me.
Left with nothing, I attempted to end my life for the second time by swallowing almost three dozens of the drug “ecstasy. I was convulsing violently when people found me and rushed me to the nearest hospital. I was stabilized there. Exhaustive lab and imaging tests were done but the results showed my body was virtually undamaged.
My second failed attempt made me think that there must be a reason for my life, and that there must be something or someone out there who’s in control of my life. I began a serious spiritual search. I devoured dozens of books on psychology and spirituality – leaving out one that I didn’t think would contain any answers for my questions – the Bible. I tried going to church too, but that was a short-lived affair.
Last May, I received an unexpected call from a friend from CCF inviting me to an evening talk with an Indian-Canadian evangelist named Ravi Zacharias, whose name was familiar to me because of his book, “Has Christianity Failed You”, which I read because that’s how I felt.
I went to the talk. I felt out of place. After dinner, the guest speaker gave an unplanned message that resonated with me powerfully - so powerful that I raised my hand to ask a question at the end of the talk. My question turned into a confession, and my confession into submission to the cross of Christ. I committed my life to Jesus Christ as my Savior and my Lord. Thereafter, I joined a small group and started coming to CCF again.
My life isn’t perfect. I am not perfect. I still have my struggles. But as I grow in my relationship with Jesus, He gives me the grace to resist and overcome sin. My transformation is not yet complete, but I trust that He will finish the good work He started in me. I don’t worry about my past anymore, nor am I anxious about my future because as Paul would put it, “it is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me”
My name is Hayden Kho, Jr - once lost, but now found by Him who redeems, confirms, strengthens, and makes all things new.
To God be all the glory.
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